1st Birthday..

Our daughter turned a year old on January 19th. It's amazing how time flies once you become a mother. I always used to hear people say that, especially when I was pregnant. But of course, I didn't really believe it. I sure do now! It was a bittersweet day, like many other days. The day before her birthday I kept remembering what Steven and I were doing the two days before her birth. I was so uncomfortable and just ready to be DONE. He took such good care of me and tried to comfort me as well as he could. I remember knowing that I could just up and cry and he'd hug me or if I decided I just wanted to complain, he'd listen. Then I remember the whole time I was in labor..I could see how torn he was to see me in such pain. Of course, it was all worth it. Jadiana Sophia is such a doll. Steven was so proud of his daughter and to have become a daddy.

I was pretty bummed out on her birthday and then again at her birthday party. I just kept saying to myself, over and over again, how I could not believe her daddy wasn't here for her first birthday party. Never in a MILLION years would I ever have imagined this. As you grow up, you dream of what your career may be, who you'll marry, what your wedding will be like, kids, and life in general. This wasn't in any of my thoughts. This is all a part of life, as I've come to realize finally. Sometimes some of my days are still hard. Stevens birthday is just a couple days away. How weird it will be for that day to still be special, but the person that makes it special to be gone. If I could just get through these tough days, I'll be alright. However, as we all know, that's not how life works.

So I'll continue to take it day by day. I'm healing of course. Some days I think it's going rather well and other days I'm upset at how sad I still feel. I'm okay with my feelings though. I'll just continue to grow as a person and mother for my beautiful baby girl, Jadiana.

A new year..

I have not posted in quite sometime..thankfully, we have been keeping busy. A busy life makes for a busy mind, and that is a blessing in itself. Christmas has come and gone and a new year is just hours away. Our Christmas holidays were pleasant. Jadiana and I enjoyed lots of family time. Christmas Eve was spent with my family. Jadi enjoyed receiving gifts and playing with her new toys. I was grateful to be surrounded by those I love. Christmas day was spent with the Hornung family. I also enjoyed this very much. Being around Stevens family is a healing time. We spent a couple of hours with my inlaws before going to dinner. I very much enjoyed that time alone with them. We smiled, laughed, and shed our tears together. Jadiana, of course, was spoiled by grandma and grandpa. She enjoyed placing her new clothing on her head as she opened everything up. She also enjoyed her new farm, baby, and other toys. We had our third Christmas the Sunday after Christmas day at Stevens aunt Ella's house. That was also fun as Jadi got to play with her two little cousins Michael and Andrew.

It was a tough Christmas this year. I very much missed my lineman. Not having him here with us hurt so bad. Steven and I always enjoyed Christmas together. We never had gifts to open from eachother on Christmas day...we were very impatient people (me moreso than him) that usually opened our gifts to eachother by the 2nd week of December. I missed decorating with him. I especially missed him being here for our daughters first Christmas. These "firsts" will be hard, I understand that. But understanding it, and expecting it, doesn't make it any easier.

I pray this new year brings us more healing and much needed peace. Our families have been through so much. More recently, I have realized how selfish I have been in my grieving. I've recently had Stevens closest friends on my mind. How difficult it must have been for them also. Some of them were paul bearers...I can't imagine, from a friends standpoint, how hard that was. They carried a casket, which carried my Steven.. Their buddy, their friend.. I pray they receive much needed healing and peace as well.

Dear Lord, grant us peace in the new year. Remind us of the blessings that surround us. Amen.

Reflecting.

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. It's amazing how a day that was once celebrated and which at one point in my life, brough such happiness-became just another day. That's what it felt like. The only thing different is that there were more people and more food. I sometimes wonder if I'll ever find excitement in holidays again. I'm sure I will..but for now i'll allow them to be just days.. I'm finished with my Christmas shopping. I'm finished way sooner than I ever have been. But it wasn't difficult..years passed I drilled myself over and over and over again-I wanted to make sure everyone would be more than happy with their gift. Plus, the one person I really wanted to make happy, will not be attending Christmas this year. Things are so different. Walking through the house looking at the new entertainment center I think to myself 'Dang, Steven woulda had a good comment about this'. It's funny how when I look at things, however random they may seen, dialogue comes to mind. I close my eyes and try to imagine what he would have said or what he would have thought of the item.

There's a lot of growing and healing and coping that still needs to take place. Everyone says 'One day at a time'..but for me sometimes it has to be 'One hour at a time'. And I'm okay with that.

I love you Steven, yesterday-today-forever

Thanksgiving Holiday

Tomorrow is the first real holiday since Stevens passing. It has been 4 1/2 months since the accident and it all still feels so unreal. I miss him so much and some days just seem to be so hard. I remember this time last year..I was pregnant and happy. We were recently engaged and super happy to be expecting our first child. We ate until we were miserable and I remember bein so happy cause he decided to hang out all day. He usually would go to the farm to work if there was ANY spare time at all. He was a good man. Jadiana and I meant the world to him. Everyone knew we were the most important thing to him. Jadiana was his pride and joy. So as the hours dwindle down, and thanksgiving arrives..I will try to focus on what I am thankful for. But for this moment, I will just close my eyes and remember the one I've lost. I love you Steven Alan Hornung..forever and always.